Infinity Goods blog

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Posts Tagged ‘13’

I Was Terribly Disappointed; Nobody Was Murdered

Posted by infinitygoods on February 27, 2008

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Here’s some George Burns jokes.  He lived to be 100 years old, proving that laughter just might truly be the best medicine.  Enjoy!

  1. By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
  2. I was always taught to respect my elders. Well, I’ve finally reached the age where I don’t have to respect anybody.
  3. In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn’t addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
  4. Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.
  5. Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
  6. When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, “No … he’s dead.”
  7. You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
  8. I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservative I can get.
  9. The secret of a good sermon is having a good beginning and a good ending. And having them as close together as possible.
  10. I thought to myself, why not write a bestseller. In the first place, more people read them, you make more money, and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book that nobody buys.
  11. From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
  12. The three of us made a hasty exit, with me leading the way. I know that in case of danger it’s supposed to be ladies first, but that doesn’t count when you’re a coward.
  13. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Who needs new tricks? If you play it right, the old tricks still work . . .

For more participants, be sure to visit Thursday Thirteen.  Happy Thursday!

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