Infinity Goods blog

A blog for God’s People

Posts Tagged ‘funny’

I Was Terribly Disappointed; Nobody Was Murdered

Posted by infinitygoods on February 27, 2008

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Here’s some George Burns jokes.  He lived to be 100 years old, proving that laughter just might truly be the best medicine.  Enjoy!

  1. By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
  2. I was always taught to respect my elders. Well, I’ve finally reached the age where I don’t have to respect anybody.
  3. In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn’t addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
  4. Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.
  5. Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
  6. When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, “No … he’s dead.”
  7. You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
  8. I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservative I can get.
  9. The secret of a good sermon is having a good beginning and a good ending. And having them as close together as possible.
  10. I thought to myself, why not write a bestseller. In the first place, more people read them, you make more money, and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book that nobody buys.
  11. From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
  12. The three of us made a hasty exit, with me leading the way. I know that in case of danger it’s supposed to be ladies first, but that doesn’t count when you’re a coward.
  13. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Who needs new tricks? If you play it right, the old tricks still work . . .

For more participants, be sure to visit Thursday Thirteen.  Happy Thursday!

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“Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.”

Posted by infinitygoods on February 20, 2008

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Happy Thursday, everyone!  For more participants be sure to visit Thursday Thirteen.Erma Bombeck (1927-1996)

Today would be Erma Bombeck’s birthday.  She was born February 21, 1927 and died April 22, 1996. The newspaper columnist made us laugh at life’s idiosyncrasies for three decades through her syndicated column and her bestselling books like “If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?”

  1. Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.
  2. Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
  3. Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
  4. Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.
  5. Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
  6. When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
  7. If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
  8. It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
  9. It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
  10. On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
  11. When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me”.
  12. One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.
  13. Seize the moment. Think of all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.

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